Page 23 and the Horoscopes.

TMM have decided that we are in a cycle of news where the front 4 pages of national newspapers really ought to be empty as most front page stories really don't deserve to be any higher than page 5. So with this system in mind here is page 23 and the horoscopes -

TMM have woken this morning alert and refreshed after yesterday's gloom and an early night with many hours of sleep combined with a really late night at the pub getting completely sloshed. But that's the pleasure of being more than one person. We can enjoy all modes of evening out in a quantum state and only work out which one we had when we observe the outcome in the morning. And today? We are fine, cheery and ready to go (shut up C, go and get a bacon sandwich, you'll feel better later).

Well it is now officially summer in the UK - It's light before 7am and an official drought has been called, which is good news because when that happens it normally starts pouring with rain, as it did yesterday afternoon. As one great friend of ours said to us after being in the country for a year from South Africa " Ach! England- - Eight months of winter, followed by four months of shit weather". Quite, or it was until the UK Government spending cuts meant no rain. Didn't you know that's what is causing the drought? Have you seen how well it correlates? Go on BBC, we dare you to try that one.

So what are we doing today in the markets. Nothing. One of us decided that enough was enough in the equity rally and whether overcome by a complete attack of cabin fever "Its too quiet I'm going mad I have to do something" or just having ridden such a good up wave, has binned all their equity holdings. Now don't get overexcited, this isn't looking for the big downy, just a last hurrah for the bears as mentioned a couple of days ago and a pre-empt of any LTRO based selling. JBTFD (see glossary) still rules the roost. And those of us with bigger knadgers (cahoonies) are staying in prepared to ride any wave as the wall of worry is about to be climbed.

Other things? Errr.. Horoscopes anyone? It's getting to that point where, as usual with a lack of defining news, technicals are wheeled out and the pick-up-sticks lotto of trend lines and "my pencil line is more important than yours" bravado kicks off. So perhaps we ought to look at the horoscopes too. We mean that if we look at Bradley Siderographs (which we own up to doing now and again, only because a large chunk of players around the table are supremely superstitious and do throw proper money behind things like moon cycles) then why not look at real horoscopes. Complete cock of course, but its surprising how many sane people we know who try to believe in them. Here's a good fact - If the gravitational pull (of the planets) at your birth has an input on your character, then best you make sure the obstetrician is standing in the right place because his gravitational pull on you is going to be greater than that of the furthest planets. Don't you just love the inverse square rule? "Oh I'm a Gemini with water cooler in the upper quadrant".

so here we go ..

Aries - As a Ram you are wooly thinking and have large horns. Buy gold and shout about it a lot.

Taurus - As a bull you must watch out for chastisement in the blogosphere and be prepared to be accused of being a member of the illuminati. Buy SPX.

Gemini - Twinning really isn't good unless you believe American frat house movies. Sell covariance and buy correlation vol.

Cancer - Doesn't sound good. Have you thought of getting your star sign changed by deed poll? Trade spot.

Leo - As either a lion, a 1970s club singer or the 2 year old child in a wealthy family. Buy cattle, gold medallions or a career at a merchant bank.

Virgo - Have you done this before? We guess not so buy CDO squareds on subprime mortgages , trust us, you'll be fine and it wont hurt.

Libra - You are balanced with the scales equally weighted on either side. Become an Economist and don't make any attributable forecasts.

Scorpio - As a large far eastern central bank. Buy what ever you like it will just go up and if it doesn't change the rules.

Sagittarius - your archery skills will come in useful sticking people in the back as the banking pond dries up and you need to survive. Sell your colleagues down the river.

Capricorn - Your goaty digestive system will come to the fore when your hedge fund loses the rich 20% and is forced to survive on the subsistent 2%. Short vol and buy a smaller car.

Aquarius - Waterboarding is not allowed so stick to traditional methods to extract insider information from your contacts. Buy whatever they suggest with their last dying breath.

Pisces - Something fishy going on, expect a call from the FSA but be pleasantly surprised when they just rap your knuckles for not completingyour 200hrs of mandatory regulation training and yet miss the 4bio of 88888 account tickets in your bottom draw. Go short your own institution.

With that TMM hope that whatever your talisman or totum, it brings you wealth and happiness - however much bollocks it really is.